Dual Income Households

How important is it to work together as a family?

Growing up, I remember having different responsibilities given to us kids to help around the house. We had job charts that we followed to help with cleaning the kitchen, living room, table, etc. I remember hating doing work around the house but I knew it was necessary to have the privileges I wanted. Privileges like seeing friends and watching movies.

I learned at a young age that if I did my jobs, I got what I wanted (for the most part). I also learned more than I realized from these jobs. When I moved out of the house, there were many necessary skills that I had been taught through helping my mom and dad that I never would have known if they didn't ever ask me to help.

I have memories of helping my mom cook in the kitchen, sewing with my grandma, building fences with my dad, and other smaller jobs around the house. Who knew that it's great to know how to cook, sew, and work with others on a difficult job? I wouldn't have known, unless I had done it.

This week in my Family Relations class we read "Family Work" By Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless (https://magazine.byu.edu/article/family-work/). I think the article did a good job of describing how events used to be in families compared to how they are now.

There was a lot more helping parents with cooking, preparing meals, and so forth. This was because of the time and effort it took to make things from scratch. There was also help needed on the farm and in the garden to get everything done in the day.

As industrialization began to take place, people began to move to the cities with a vision of factories and what the future might hold for them. However, the factories required lots of work and little pay. Families had less time with one another and more time working to pay for the home or food they needed, especially since they were no longer growing their food themselves.

Children were often sent to work in factories to help earn money but would often get injured using the machines and in some cases, killed. Laws began to go forth about child labor and what ages children were allowed to work.

The article continues that as time went on, there became more and more cases of both parents working two jobs to provide for the family.

A study we discussed in class took two parent's incomes and recorded detailed information of where the finances were going. After looking over all of the finances, they told the couple this;

With his income of $42,000 and her income of $22,000, they were averaging a total of $41,500 after paying for child care, travel costs, bills, etc. Not only was it costing them money to have dual incomes, it was taking both parents away from their children for more than 30 hours a week each.

The couple was shocked by the news and decided that it was best for them (in their situation) to have only one income.

Every person and family situation is different, and therefore this information can't be applied the same way with everyone. However, families who work together will often have greater happiness, success, and relationships in general. They often learn hard work, people skills, and that working will always be a part of life.

I am personally grateful for the work I learned to do with my family so that I can be successful in jobs, school, and the way I live. I'm not perfect, but I feel I have a good foundation to get me headed in the right direction.

What are your thoughts on families working together? How do you think it might benefit a family to work together more?

Until next time,

Kirie

93% Of All Communication Is Nonverbal

93% of all communication is nonverbal.

~ Professor Mehrabian

It's slightly hard to imagine that most of what we say is actually not being said. The thought of communicating so much without even trying to is extremely eye opening, and makes me wonder what I say when I'm not speaking. 

When I think about it though, I always have fun with my sisters because we seem to just "get" each other. We have similar senses of humor, similar gestures, facial expressions, etc. All of these things add up to make a great time when we are together. I would imagine it's because of our strong similarities in our nonverbal communication that helps us understand each other so well. 

If 93% of nonverbal communication really is nonverbal, it's no wonder why first dates and new relationships are so difficult! Imagine putting two COMPLETELY different people together and have them try to understand one another. What a challenge! 

Maybe this is why newlyweds can go through major adjustments within their first year of marriage. Because two people from different families are being brought together to communicate about everything but both were raised to communicate in very different ways. 

Arguments usually begin based on a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings most often happen through miscommunication. So therefore, the way to have less arguments is to improve your communication.

A story from a video we watched in preparation for my Family Relations class was about a couple who got married and began to argue about everything. They couldn't seem to agree on things financially and she wanted to start a family soon, bringing more stress to the arguments. The couple agreed to participate in a study where each had a professional therapist to teach them.

The therapists first listened to how the couple normally discussed and talked about money which included lots of blaming, accusing, and not letting the other finish talking. It sounded like a normal argument you would hear between two people, without being too heated. After listening to them trying to communicate their thoughts and feelings, the therapists decided to then take them in to separate rooms to discuss some ways of communicating. 

When they came back in to the same room again, the couple was ready to listen fully to the other person's point of view and then respond with clear, understandable statements about how they feel. It was amazing! The couple heard each other out and then gave their "I feel" statements, sharing clearly what they really felt. Things such as, "I feel sad that you want me to sell my horse because it is something that makes me so happy and brings me joy. It is part of my dream in life to own a horse" and "I thought your were being selfish because you were choosing to keep the hose, but now I know it's because it makes you happy. I am willing to keep it too, because it makes you happy and that is what I really want." 

The kind words defused the situation so fast that it almost seemed silly that they had been arguing for so long. In Proverbs 15:1 it says, "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." By learning to communicate effectively, we can defuse difficult and contentious discussions. We can learn to communicate effectively with our words as well as with our body language and intonation. Even when we are silent, we are communicating something and it's probably not what we intended.

Comment below with some of your best/worst/funniest miscommunication stories! Have you ever texted the wrong person or been misunderstood over text? 

Until next time,

Kirie

Stress, Crisis, and the Brain

"You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them." 

Lauer & Lauer, page 299

Not too long ago I realized that there is a reason we go through such hard times in life. If we did not have difficult things to go through, how could we progress or appreciate when things are good?

In the Book of Mormon it says, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, ...righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility"  (2 Nephi 2:11).

We will all go through hard times, and it has helped me to acknowledge that this is simply part of life. What makes a difference is how I react. It's okay to be sad, struggle, feel lonely, and hurt. It will pass, if you let it. :)

With going through extremely hard times, there are ways we tend to try and cope with those things. We read a chapter for class from our text book and included several different forms of coping.

My teacher from my Family Relations class brought up an interesting point about a coping saw. What is a coping saw? A coping saw is used to make minute, thoughtful adjustments that help adjust wood under pressure. 

That's what coping can be for us! Making small, thoughtful adjustments in our lives, relationships, or situations to help us adjust and improve under pressure. 

Common Coping patterns:

Denial - This method can be good temporarily to help ease in to thinking about the issue. Not very good in the long run though, since we need to be able to accept that there is an issue to be worked on or addressed. Once everyone can admit there's a problem, they can start working to fix it. 

Avoidance - This method can also be useful for a short amount of time but it's important to acknowledge the issue AND address it, similar to denial.

Scapegoating - This involves finding something or someone else to blame. This method is not useful at all and can actually make the situation worse. If you find someone else to blame for an issue, it can never fully get resolved.

Effective Coping strategies:

Affirm yours and your family's worth.

Balance self-concern with other-concern - care for yourself and others but avoid extremes of both.

Learn the art of re-framing - redefine the meaning of something. Many of the difficult times we have gone through or traumas we may have can be re written in our minds by redefining them and what happened.

Find and use available resources - Don't ever be afraid to find a support group. There will always be someone who struggles with something similar to what you're going through who might be able to help you heal.

However, some people struggle with mental illness which requires more than the steps listed above. Many people need professional help but don't want to be looked at as not being able to handle it themselves. I know from experience that it is important to receive professional help in our lives when we feel like nothing else seems to be working.

If you want to learn more about mental illness and how to treat those who struggle with it or what to do about it personally, I recommend this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland called "Like a Broken Vessel" (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng). You can watch his video or read it if you like, but it gives great insight to receiving help and strength.

I'll warn you ahead of time that he refers to the scriptures often. I don't know what god you worship, but either way I know you can find his talk helpful.

Until next week my friend.

Kirie

Fidelity in Marriage

This week in my Family Relations class we discussed marital fidelity in a way I never thought of before.

My boyfriend and I got engaged last Saturday (YAY!!!) and therefore I've been pondering on how to show greater fidelity and commitment as an engaged couple.

I have been dating many different people over the course of the last 3 years and every time I would date someone exclusively, new boundaries would arise. I would stop flirting with other guys, would not date other guys, and would try to spend more and more time with my new boyfriend. None of those relationships lasted though, and I would go back to the single and flirty phase!

Being engaged has introduced a whole new level of commitment and boundaries that I have never experienced. I have to keep reminding myself that I am choosing to be with one man, for the rest of my life (and after this life). I am not only putting him above any guy friend I have, but I am going to be forming a whole new family unit with him. Therefore, I not only need boundaries with my friends, but with my immediate family as well.

Kirie, what kind of boundaries are you talking about?

Well for example, when we discussed marital fidelity in class, we included emotional fidelity. This is a whole new level of fidelity, where not only am I choosing to not flirt with or seek after other men, but I am choosing to share my thoughts, feelings, and concerns with my new partner. I choose him to be the person that I work through hard things with. All strong relationships require the sharing of feelings, thoughts, concerns, and I would even add opinions.

Something amazing about my Fiancé is that he has helped create a safety net for us to talk about things. We really do communicate about anything we may be worried about or that we are unsure of. We have done this since the beginning of our relationship which is a huge reason I feel safe to be with him in the long run. I know our marriage will not be exempt from hard times, but being with someone I can communicate will definitely make it possible to get through those.

As I said before, when we share our feelings and time with someone we get closer to them and start to feel more attached to them. That is why there are certain boundaries that, if made, can help strengthen a marriage and keep it strong.

We watched a power point presentation for class that included the following:

Subtle Threats to Marital Fidelity:
1. Friends
2. Facebook
3. Family
4. Fighting

How do you think friends could be a threat to marriage fidelity? I wasn't sure I agreed with this at first, but as we discussed it and I have learned more I believe that it is important to distance oneself from guy friends (or if your a guy, girl friends) after marriage. Why? Because the best way to keep you husband as your #1 is to make him the #1 man in your life. You decide to what extent, but I believe this is an important principle.

I will not go into detail about each point from the power point (if you have thoughts feel free to comment below), but I also want to add that there should be boundaries with family.

Deciding to be married means your are becoming your own family unit as a couple (and probably with children later on). So that means having the ability to not lean on mom and dad if something goes wrong in the marriage, but learning to lean on each other as a couple. I think the support of a family is important. However, I think marriages can thrive and be even stronger if they learn to rely on each other through the hardest times.

I would love to hear your thoughts on how to show your fidelity in Marriage.

Have a wonderful week!

Kirie

"Don't apologize for wanting to be his one and only." (From Power Point in Family Relations 160 Class)