This week we had an interesting discussion in our Family Relations class. We discussed some studies done about illegal immigrant families from Mexico and what they go through when they come to the United States as well as after they arrive. The study and reading that I will be referring to is called "The Cost of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes After Immigration" from Smith, et al.
Growing up in southern Arizona brought me close to many aspects of the Mexican culture. I LOVE their food with all my heart, and I LOVE the spice that Mexican mothers have. They are a rich-spirited culture!
Growing up, I remember seeing groups of people from Mexico walking through what was called a "wash" in our backyard. Because it doesn't rain very often in Arizona, there are washes cut out by water for the water to flow through when the monsoon season comes. The wash that ran through our backyard was wide and deep, like an empty river that would only occasionally fill with water.
As I would see these groups walk through the backyard I wondered where they were going and why they were going such an odd route. As I got older, I learned that they were often crossing the border illegally trying to make better lives for themselves in the U.S.
As a precursor, the things we discussed in class had to do with a qualitative study of about ten families, therefore the things we discussed do not apply to all Mexican families here in the U.S. and do not apply to all illegal immigrant families.
In the study that we discussed, the researchers found that in many situations the father would save up a large sum of money so that he could leave the family and start working in the U.S. to set the foundation for the rest of the family to come later. They asked the families how long they thought it would take for the family to be reunited again after the father left for America. The answer was a about 6 months. However, the average time that the families were apart was about 3 years. Can you imagine that? What would change in a family dynamic after being separated for so long?
I know that if I were a teenager and my dad were gone for several years, I would feel like I didn't know him as well. That was often the case with the children being interviewed. Many of them felt a closer bond to their mother but felt resentment toward their father, either because they didn't know him well or because they felt that he was too bossy now that they lived with him again. They were used to being disciplined by their mother for the past 3 years.
To be honest there were MANY things that we discussed in class about the hardships these families went through. You can read all about them by looking up the document mentioned above. While I was writing this information out, I had a specific thought (that would probably make a lot more sense if you had been involved in the entire discussion, but hopefully I can shed some light on it here).
One of the most important things I learned was that family members (such as a mother, father or sibling) will often make sacrifices as an act of love for each other. However, if not communicated correctly, the service rendered is not understood or as appreciated as it could be.
What do I mean by that?
Most of what we do is out of love for one another, however, it takes skills to communicate it.
A father might become "bossy" or strict with a daughter saying she can't go out after a certain time or can't spend time with certain friends. He is doing it out of love, but she feels as if she is restricted and will sometimes rebel.
I remember a story from Dani Johnson about her husband several years ago. They had a few young children and their eldest daughter wanted to sleep over at a friends house. When their daughter asked her mother, Dani, if she could go, Dani said of course! However, when her father (Hans) found out, he felt he didn't know the family well and did not want her to go. After talking with Dani about it, Hans pulled their young daughter aside and said, "I have been given the responsibility from God to be your father and therefore to protect you. You are precious to me, and I love you. I don't know this family who has invited you over tonight and do not know if they would also keep you safe. Therefore, out of love for you I would like you to stay home tonight." The sweet little girl happily said, "Okay daddy. Thank you for protecting me." She had no problem not going to her friends house that night because she felt loved from her father.
I believe we have the ability to learn the skills to communicate that kind of love in such as way that brings us closer to those around us, instead of creating walls that push us apart.
Thank you for reading, I'd love to hear your insights on this topic! And if you would like to read about similar topics, go ahead and look at the "Family Relations Blog" post.
Have a good week!
Kirie
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