Engagement, Receptions and Wedding Planning

What was/is your dream proposal?

Most girls probably have a different idea of what this looks like for them. Some would love a quiet, private, romantic proposal while others would like a big, exciting, social proposal. Which are you?

Something that I am learning lately is that a lot of couples these days will discuss engagement and wedding before the proposal ever happens. What I learned in my Family Relations class the other day is that some people (and probably more in the past) have the mindset that they do not discuss the proposal before it happens.

This surprised me so much! I had to think over and over again why someone would NOT communicate a proposal or be confident in marrying each other before it happens. I don't have a source for this but I've heard that it will often take guys more time to have as high of a commitment level as the girls in a relationship leading to marriage. Therefore, when the man would come and propose having no official assurance of her saying yes, he was showing his level of commitment and desire in the relationship.

Personally I felt that it would take so much courage to make a move like that because he doesn't know if she will say yes or no! He is humbly kneeling and asking a question, submitting himself to whatever the answer may be. Now I think there are benefits to both cases:

Benefits to discussing the proposal beforehand:
1. He will not be publicly or privately rejected by the woman he loves
2. They are both sure of the commitment and can prepare and plan accordingly
3. She is not put on the spot to make a decision

Benefits to NOT discussing the proposal beforehand include:
1. The man is willing to take a chance on the relationship as well as show his commitment level
2. The girl is more surprised and (hopefully) excited about the proposal
3. The man gets to plan how to propose to her with less pressure

Now skipping in to after marriage, in class we discussed marital satisfaction and patterns that can affect it.

The birth of baby number 1 is usually the first downward slope in marital satisfaction. The slide down often increases after each child. Why do you think that is?

Well some of the reasons can include if the husband does not feel as close to the baby as the mother does. The mother has gone through a 9 month bonding process with the child and then often takes care of the child most. The dad can feel less attached or connected depending on how involved he was during the pregnancy, birth, and care of the child.

Something especially interesting that we discussed in class was about who should be there during the birth of the baby. There were several thoughts shared and what we learned is that it is common for the wife to want her mother there by her side to take care of her and comfort her through the process of the birth. However, this can often leave the husband feeling like he is not needed or wanted in the process (according to the conversation this morning). If the husband can be included and involved in the process of a birth and feel needed and wanted, the chances of marital satisfaction either increasing or staying where it is are higher than if he is excluded in all of these processes.

I don't have children yet, but I've always planned on my mom being there for the birth of my first child to help me in every way possible. She has done this for the births of 5 grandchildren with a 6th on the way.  I haven't decided exactly what I will do, but I'm definitely thinking about if I should have her there or just my husband! I want my relationship with my spouse to be second only to God and therefore prioritized above that of others as needed.

What are your thoughts?

Have a good week!

Kirie

How Can I Get A Date?

How do you feel about dating? Do negative or positive thoughts come to mind with the word "date"?

I remember hearing the story of a girl who got asked on dates more than any of her friends at church or school. She wasn't outrageously attractive according to society's standards but she had something else that made her extremely attractive to men; openness.

Many guys WANT to ask girls on dates, but have been rejected so many times that its difficult to approach someone. Girls have often felt this rejection as well when they tried to step up and ask a guy out. In some cases, guys may be shy and want a clear sign that the girl will say yes if he asks her on a date. I believe flirting from the girls side can help encourage more dates but at the same time, what would be considered enough flirting for the guy to know she is interested?!

To continue with the story I heard a few months ago, when the girl was asked why she had way more dates than the girls in her social and religious groups, the girl responded that when she sees a guy she doesn't know, she will go talk to him casually. Somewhere in the conversation she will say, "You know, if you asked me on a date I wouldn't say no." This simple phrase created assurance for the guys that if they asked her on a date they would not be rejected.

What are some other ways we can be more open?

In my Family Relations class we talked about another girl who got asked on dates often simply because she was kind. She would take the time to thank someone for holding the door for her or would make eye contact and smile while talking to people. This showed her openness and also created a safe feeling for guys to ask her out.

How much does body language play a role in getting a date? I recommend watching body language videos by Vanessa Van Edwards on YouTube for more information on how much body language is really involved (https://youtu.be/lV2RTqrJ354 or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-snL3326LA).

And what about the subject of girls asking guys on dates? Is it too much to always expect the guys to ask girls out? Do guys want girls to ask them out or do they prefer to take the lead? It probably depends on the guy.

I don't know all the answers, but I have personally asked guys on dates a few times and found those dates to be fun and insightful. After asking a guy on one date, I liked to wait for them to ask me on the second date if they were interested. The reason why I wanted them to ask me for the second date is because I like seeing how they take initiative, plan ahead, provide for, and commit in a small way to spending time with me.

Once you are dating a person you like, does spending every minute together improve your relationship or have negative affects on your relationship? For me personally, I enjoy spending every moment possible with someone I like! However, according to my Family Relations teacher who has practiced Marriage and Family therapy for over 20 years, spending every moment of every day together is a good predictor of marital failure.

Why would that be so?! There are situations when one or both people in a relationship expect to spend MORE time together once married, but the reality is that once they get in to their normal schedules again there is often less time spent together. It is important for couples to learn how to be happy on their own and to balance their time when they are together so that they can keep that balance and happiness once married and not be dependent on the other person for their happiness.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, so let me know what you think in the comments below. :)

Have a fantastic week,

Kirie

"What Makes Someone Male or Female?"

In your opinion, what do you think makes someone male or female?

This topic has been a popular one among feminists, families, cultures, and other groups of people we know and are possibly involved in.

This week in our family relations we had an interesting discussion about scientific findings on the subject, many of which taught me things I hadn't known or thought of before.

We watched a video called "Men, Women, and the Sex Difference" by John Stossel that gave many perspectives on men and women and if they act different from birth or if they are influenced by our culture or society to become so different and to have different roles.

For example, in this video they talked about the different toys that children play with. The little girls more often then not will go play with dolls and house objects, pretending to be mothers and children. The video stated that girls tend to be more relational in their games while boys tend to be more spacial and rough. Boys often like building or playing video games because they can picture things in 3D.

Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. For example, I loved pocket knives and getting dirty as a child as well as playing with dolls. There will often be a little boy who prefers dolls and playing house over rough-housing. But often times, there are specific ways that little children play without being told to act that way.

Another study that was presented in the video was with young toddlers being unable to get to their mothers. There was a clear barrier between the child and the mom, sort of like a small, waist-high room for the toddler to play in. The mom would set the toddler down in the small room and then sit in a chair on the other side of the clear wall. What they found was that little boys would run at the glass and hit it, trying to knock down the barrier between them and their mother. Girls would simply stand  and start crying until their mother would come pick them up.

There was one toddler who did the opposite, but for the most part these little children reacted the same as others of their sex.

The video also includes research on the brain that is done while the baby is still in the womb, and I would encourage you to watch the video if you would like to learn more about it.

For me personally, I grew up in a family of 6 girls and 1 boy. Therefore, there was always a lot of estrogen and womanly ways of doing things. I never knew that men and women often think so differently until I moved away from home. I have learned more about the difference between men and women in the past year than I ever knew in my entire life. Knowing the differences in how we think has actually been extremely beneficial to me, especially while dating my boyfriend.

What he does makes so much more sense to me. Together we read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and it has taught me to appreciate others more for their differences, rather than get upset that they don't think the same way as me.

I encourage you to look deeper into this topic and see how it might help you in your life too.

Whether you agree with the points in this topic or not, I know that learning and seeking to understand another's perspective is beneficial no matter what you believe.

Have a wonderful day my friend,

Until next time,

Kirie

Family Culture

This week we had an interesting discussion in our Family Relations class. We discussed some studies done about illegal immigrant families from Mexico and what they go through when they come to the United States as well as after they arrive. The study and reading that I will be referring to is called "The Cost of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes After Immigration" from Smith, et al.

Growing up in southern Arizona brought me close to many aspects of the Mexican culture. I LOVE their food with all my heart, and I LOVE the spice that Mexican mothers have. They are a rich-spirited culture!

Growing up, I remember seeing groups of people from Mexico walking through what was called a "wash" in our backyard. Because it doesn't rain very often in Arizona, there are washes cut out by water for the water to flow through when the monsoon season comes. The wash that ran through our backyard was wide and deep, like an empty river that would only occasionally fill with water.

As I would see these groups walk through the backyard I wondered where they were going and why they were going such an odd route. As I got older, I learned that they were often crossing the border illegally trying to make better lives for themselves in the U.S.

As a precursor, the things we discussed in class had to do with a qualitative study of about ten families, therefore the things we discussed do not apply to all Mexican families here in the U.S. and do not apply to all illegal immigrant families.

In the study that we discussed, the researchers found that in many situations the father would save up a large sum of money so that he could leave the family and start working in the U.S. to set the foundation for the rest of the family to come later. They asked the families how long they thought it would take for the family to be reunited again after the father left for America. The answer was a about 6 months. However, the average time that the families were apart was about 3 years. Can you imagine that? What would change in a family dynamic after being separated for so long?

I know that if I were a teenager and my dad were gone for several years, I would feel like I didn't know him as well. That was often the case with the children being interviewed. Many of them felt a closer bond to their mother but felt resentment toward their father, either because they didn't know him well or because they felt that he was too bossy now that they lived with him again. They were used to being disciplined by their mother for the past 3 years.

To be honest there were MANY things that we discussed in class about the hardships these families went through. You can read all about them by looking up the document mentioned above. While I was writing this information out, I had a specific thought (that would probably make a lot more sense if you had been involved in the entire discussion, but hopefully I can shed some light on it here).

One of the most important things I learned was that family members (such as a mother, father or sibling) will often make sacrifices as an act of love for each other. However, if not communicated correctly, the service rendered is not understood or as appreciated as it could be.

What do I mean by that?

Most of what we do is out of love for one another, however, it takes skills to communicate it.

A father might become "bossy" or strict with a daughter saying she can't go out after a certain time or can't spend time with certain friends. He is doing it out of love, but she feels as if she is restricted and will sometimes rebel.

I remember a story from Dani Johnson about her husband several years ago. They had a few young children and their eldest daughter wanted to sleep over at a friends house. When their daughter asked her mother, Dani, if she could go, Dani said of course! However, when her father (Hans) found out, he felt he didn't know the family well and did not want her to go. After talking with Dani about it, Hans pulled their young daughter aside and said, "I have been given the responsibility from God to be your father and therefore to protect you. You are precious to me, and I love you. I don't know this family who has invited you over tonight and do not know if they would also keep you safe. Therefore, out of love for you I would like you to stay home tonight." The sweet little girl happily said, "Okay daddy. Thank you for protecting me." She had no problem not going to her friends house that night because she felt loved from her father.

I believe we have the ability to learn the skills to communicate that kind of love in such as way that brings us closer to those around us, instead of creating walls that push us apart.

Thank you for reading, I'd love to hear your insights on this topic! And if you would like to read about similar topics, go ahead and look at the "Family Relations Blog" post.

Have a good week!

Kirie