Dual Income Households

How important is it to work together as a family?

Growing up, I remember having different responsibilities given to us kids to help around the house. We had job charts that we followed to help with cleaning the kitchen, living room, table, etc. I remember hating doing work around the house but I knew it was necessary to have the privileges I wanted. Privileges like seeing friends and watching movies.

I learned at a young age that if I did my jobs, I got what I wanted (for the most part). I also learned more than I realized from these jobs. When I moved out of the house, there were many necessary skills that I had been taught through helping my mom and dad that I never would have known if they didn't ever ask me to help.

I have memories of helping my mom cook in the kitchen, sewing with my grandma, building fences with my dad, and other smaller jobs around the house. Who knew that it's great to know how to cook, sew, and work with others on a difficult job? I wouldn't have known, unless I had done it.

This week in my Family Relations class we read "Family Work" By Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless (https://magazine.byu.edu/article/family-work/). I think the article did a good job of describing how events used to be in families compared to how they are now.

There was a lot more helping parents with cooking, preparing meals, and so forth. This was because of the time and effort it took to make things from scratch. There was also help needed on the farm and in the garden to get everything done in the day.

As industrialization began to take place, people began to move to the cities with a vision of factories and what the future might hold for them. However, the factories required lots of work and little pay. Families had less time with one another and more time working to pay for the home or food they needed, especially since they were no longer growing their food themselves.

Children were often sent to work in factories to help earn money but would often get injured using the machines and in some cases, killed. Laws began to go forth about child labor and what ages children were allowed to work.

The article continues that as time went on, there became more and more cases of both parents working two jobs to provide for the family.

A study we discussed in class took two parent's incomes and recorded detailed information of where the finances were going. After looking over all of the finances, they told the couple this;

With his income of $42,000 and her income of $22,000, they were averaging a total of $41,500 after paying for child care, travel costs, bills, etc. Not only was it costing them money to have dual incomes, it was taking both parents away from their children for more than 30 hours a week each.

The couple was shocked by the news and decided that it was best for them (in their situation) to have only one income.

Every person and family situation is different, and therefore this information can't be applied the same way with everyone. However, families who work together will often have greater happiness, success, and relationships in general. They often learn hard work, people skills, and that working will always be a part of life.

I am personally grateful for the work I learned to do with my family so that I can be successful in jobs, school, and the way I live. I'm not perfect, but I feel I have a good foundation to get me headed in the right direction.

What are your thoughts on families working together? How do you think it might benefit a family to work together more?

Until next time,

Kirie

93% Of All Communication Is Nonverbal

93% of all communication is nonverbal.

~ Professor Mehrabian

It's slightly hard to imagine that most of what we say is actually not being said. The thought of communicating so much without even trying to is extremely eye opening, and makes me wonder what I say when I'm not speaking. 

When I think about it though, I always have fun with my sisters because we seem to just "get" each other. We have similar senses of humor, similar gestures, facial expressions, etc. All of these things add up to make a great time when we are together. I would imagine it's because of our strong similarities in our nonverbal communication that helps us understand each other so well. 

If 93% of nonverbal communication really is nonverbal, it's no wonder why first dates and new relationships are so difficult! Imagine putting two COMPLETELY different people together and have them try to understand one another. What a challenge! 

Maybe this is why newlyweds can go through major adjustments within their first year of marriage. Because two people from different families are being brought together to communicate about everything but both were raised to communicate in very different ways. 

Arguments usually begin based on a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings most often happen through miscommunication. So therefore, the way to have less arguments is to improve your communication.

A story from a video we watched in preparation for my Family Relations class was about a couple who got married and began to argue about everything. They couldn't seem to agree on things financially and she wanted to start a family soon, bringing more stress to the arguments. The couple agreed to participate in a study where each had a professional therapist to teach them.

The therapists first listened to how the couple normally discussed and talked about money which included lots of blaming, accusing, and not letting the other finish talking. It sounded like a normal argument you would hear between two people, without being too heated. After listening to them trying to communicate their thoughts and feelings, the therapists decided to then take them in to separate rooms to discuss some ways of communicating. 

When they came back in to the same room again, the couple was ready to listen fully to the other person's point of view and then respond with clear, understandable statements about how they feel. It was amazing! The couple heard each other out and then gave their "I feel" statements, sharing clearly what they really felt. Things such as, "I feel sad that you want me to sell my horse because it is something that makes me so happy and brings me joy. It is part of my dream in life to own a horse" and "I thought your were being selfish because you were choosing to keep the hose, but now I know it's because it makes you happy. I am willing to keep it too, because it makes you happy and that is what I really want." 

The kind words defused the situation so fast that it almost seemed silly that they had been arguing for so long. In Proverbs 15:1 it says, "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." By learning to communicate effectively, we can defuse difficult and contentious discussions. We can learn to communicate effectively with our words as well as with our body language and intonation. Even when we are silent, we are communicating something and it's probably not what we intended.

Comment below with some of your best/worst/funniest miscommunication stories! Have you ever texted the wrong person or been misunderstood over text? 

Until next time,

Kirie

Stress, Crisis, and the Brain

"You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them." 

Lauer & Lauer, page 299

Not too long ago I realized that there is a reason we go through such hard times in life. If we did not have difficult things to go through, how could we progress or appreciate when things are good?

In the Book of Mormon it says, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, ...righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility"  (2 Nephi 2:11).

We will all go through hard times, and it has helped me to acknowledge that this is simply part of life. What makes a difference is how I react. It's okay to be sad, struggle, feel lonely, and hurt. It will pass, if you let it. :)

With going through extremely hard times, there are ways we tend to try and cope with those things. We read a chapter for class from our text book and included several different forms of coping.

My teacher from my Family Relations class brought up an interesting point about a coping saw. What is a coping saw? A coping saw is used to make minute, thoughtful adjustments that help adjust wood under pressure. 

That's what coping can be for us! Making small, thoughtful adjustments in our lives, relationships, or situations to help us adjust and improve under pressure. 

Common Coping patterns:

Denial - This method can be good temporarily to help ease in to thinking about the issue. Not very good in the long run though, since we need to be able to accept that there is an issue to be worked on or addressed. Once everyone can admit there's a problem, they can start working to fix it. 

Avoidance - This method can also be useful for a short amount of time but it's important to acknowledge the issue AND address it, similar to denial.

Scapegoating - This involves finding something or someone else to blame. This method is not useful at all and can actually make the situation worse. If you find someone else to blame for an issue, it can never fully get resolved.

Effective Coping strategies:

Affirm yours and your family's worth.

Balance self-concern with other-concern - care for yourself and others but avoid extremes of both.

Learn the art of re-framing - redefine the meaning of something. Many of the difficult times we have gone through or traumas we may have can be re written in our minds by redefining them and what happened.

Find and use available resources - Don't ever be afraid to find a support group. There will always be someone who struggles with something similar to what you're going through who might be able to help you heal.

However, some people struggle with mental illness which requires more than the steps listed above. Many people need professional help but don't want to be looked at as not being able to handle it themselves. I know from experience that it is important to receive professional help in our lives when we feel like nothing else seems to be working.

If you want to learn more about mental illness and how to treat those who struggle with it or what to do about it personally, I recommend this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland called "Like a Broken Vessel" (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng). You can watch his video or read it if you like, but it gives great insight to receiving help and strength.

I'll warn you ahead of time that he refers to the scriptures often. I don't know what god you worship, but either way I know you can find his talk helpful.

Until next week my friend.

Kirie

Fidelity in Marriage

This week in my Family Relations class we discussed marital fidelity in a way I never thought of before.

My boyfriend and I got engaged last Saturday (YAY!!!) and therefore I've been pondering on how to show greater fidelity and commitment as an engaged couple.

I have been dating many different people over the course of the last 3 years and every time I would date someone exclusively, new boundaries would arise. I would stop flirting with other guys, would not date other guys, and would try to spend more and more time with my new boyfriend. None of those relationships lasted though, and I would go back to the single and flirty phase!

Being engaged has introduced a whole new level of commitment and boundaries that I have never experienced. I have to keep reminding myself that I am choosing to be with one man, for the rest of my life (and after this life). I am not only putting him above any guy friend I have, but I am going to be forming a whole new family unit with him. Therefore, I not only need boundaries with my friends, but with my immediate family as well.

Kirie, what kind of boundaries are you talking about?

Well for example, when we discussed marital fidelity in class, we included emotional fidelity. This is a whole new level of fidelity, where not only am I choosing to not flirt with or seek after other men, but I am choosing to share my thoughts, feelings, and concerns with my new partner. I choose him to be the person that I work through hard things with. All strong relationships require the sharing of feelings, thoughts, concerns, and I would even add opinions.

Something amazing about my Fiancé is that he has helped create a safety net for us to talk about things. We really do communicate about anything we may be worried about or that we are unsure of. We have done this since the beginning of our relationship which is a huge reason I feel safe to be with him in the long run. I know our marriage will not be exempt from hard times, but being with someone I can communicate will definitely make it possible to get through those.

As I said before, when we share our feelings and time with someone we get closer to them and start to feel more attached to them. That is why there are certain boundaries that, if made, can help strengthen a marriage and keep it strong.

We watched a power point presentation for class that included the following:

Subtle Threats to Marital Fidelity:
1. Friends
2. Facebook
3. Family
4. Fighting

How do you think friends could be a threat to marriage fidelity? I wasn't sure I agreed with this at first, but as we discussed it and I have learned more I believe that it is important to distance oneself from guy friends (or if your a guy, girl friends) after marriage. Why? Because the best way to keep you husband as your #1 is to make him the #1 man in your life. You decide to what extent, but I believe this is an important principle.

I will not go into detail about each point from the power point (if you have thoughts feel free to comment below), but I also want to add that there should be boundaries with family.

Deciding to be married means your are becoming your own family unit as a couple (and probably with children later on). So that means having the ability to not lean on mom and dad if something goes wrong in the marriage, but learning to lean on each other as a couple. I think the support of a family is important. However, I think marriages can thrive and be even stronger if they learn to rely on each other through the hardest times.

I would love to hear your thoughts on how to show your fidelity in Marriage.

Have a wonderful week!

Kirie

"Don't apologize for wanting to be his one and only." (From Power Point in Family Relations 160 Class)

Engagement, Receptions and Wedding Planning

What was/is your dream proposal?

Most girls probably have a different idea of what this looks like for them. Some would love a quiet, private, romantic proposal while others would like a big, exciting, social proposal. Which are you?

Something that I am learning lately is that a lot of couples these days will discuss engagement and wedding before the proposal ever happens. What I learned in my Family Relations class the other day is that some people (and probably more in the past) have the mindset that they do not discuss the proposal before it happens.

This surprised me so much! I had to think over and over again why someone would NOT communicate a proposal or be confident in marrying each other before it happens. I don't have a source for this but I've heard that it will often take guys more time to have as high of a commitment level as the girls in a relationship leading to marriage. Therefore, when the man would come and propose having no official assurance of her saying yes, he was showing his level of commitment and desire in the relationship.

Personally I felt that it would take so much courage to make a move like that because he doesn't know if she will say yes or no! He is humbly kneeling and asking a question, submitting himself to whatever the answer may be. Now I think there are benefits to both cases:

Benefits to discussing the proposal beforehand:
1. He will not be publicly or privately rejected by the woman he loves
2. They are both sure of the commitment and can prepare and plan accordingly
3. She is not put on the spot to make a decision

Benefits to NOT discussing the proposal beforehand include:
1. The man is willing to take a chance on the relationship as well as show his commitment level
2. The girl is more surprised and (hopefully) excited about the proposal
3. The man gets to plan how to propose to her with less pressure

Now skipping in to after marriage, in class we discussed marital satisfaction and patterns that can affect it.

The birth of baby number 1 is usually the first downward slope in marital satisfaction. The slide down often increases after each child. Why do you think that is?

Well some of the reasons can include if the husband does not feel as close to the baby as the mother does. The mother has gone through a 9 month bonding process with the child and then often takes care of the child most. The dad can feel less attached or connected depending on how involved he was during the pregnancy, birth, and care of the child.

Something especially interesting that we discussed in class was about who should be there during the birth of the baby. There were several thoughts shared and what we learned is that it is common for the wife to want her mother there by her side to take care of her and comfort her through the process of the birth. However, this can often leave the husband feeling like he is not needed or wanted in the process (according to the conversation this morning). If the husband can be included and involved in the process of a birth and feel needed and wanted, the chances of marital satisfaction either increasing or staying where it is are higher than if he is excluded in all of these processes.

I don't have children yet, but I've always planned on my mom being there for the birth of my first child to help me in every way possible. She has done this for the births of 5 grandchildren with a 6th on the way.  I haven't decided exactly what I will do, but I'm definitely thinking about if I should have her there or just my husband! I want my relationship with my spouse to be second only to God and therefore prioritized above that of others as needed.

What are your thoughts?

Have a good week!

Kirie

How Can I Get A Date?

How do you feel about dating? Do negative or positive thoughts come to mind with the word "date"?

I remember hearing the story of a girl who got asked on dates more than any of her friends at church or school. She wasn't outrageously attractive according to society's standards but she had something else that made her extremely attractive to men; openness.

Many guys WANT to ask girls on dates, but have been rejected so many times that its difficult to approach someone. Girls have often felt this rejection as well when they tried to step up and ask a guy out. In some cases, guys may be shy and want a clear sign that the girl will say yes if he asks her on a date. I believe flirting from the girls side can help encourage more dates but at the same time, what would be considered enough flirting for the guy to know she is interested?!

To continue with the story I heard a few months ago, when the girl was asked why she had way more dates than the girls in her social and religious groups, the girl responded that when she sees a guy she doesn't know, she will go talk to him casually. Somewhere in the conversation she will say, "You know, if you asked me on a date I wouldn't say no." This simple phrase created assurance for the guys that if they asked her on a date they would not be rejected.

What are some other ways we can be more open?

In my Family Relations class we talked about another girl who got asked on dates often simply because she was kind. She would take the time to thank someone for holding the door for her or would make eye contact and smile while talking to people. This showed her openness and also created a safe feeling for guys to ask her out.

How much does body language play a role in getting a date? I recommend watching body language videos by Vanessa Van Edwards on YouTube for more information on how much body language is really involved (https://youtu.be/lV2RTqrJ354 or https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-snL3326LA).

And what about the subject of girls asking guys on dates? Is it too much to always expect the guys to ask girls out? Do guys want girls to ask them out or do they prefer to take the lead? It probably depends on the guy.

I don't know all the answers, but I have personally asked guys on dates a few times and found those dates to be fun and insightful. After asking a guy on one date, I liked to wait for them to ask me on the second date if they were interested. The reason why I wanted them to ask me for the second date is because I like seeing how they take initiative, plan ahead, provide for, and commit in a small way to spending time with me.

Once you are dating a person you like, does spending every minute together improve your relationship or have negative affects on your relationship? For me personally, I enjoy spending every moment possible with someone I like! However, according to my Family Relations teacher who has practiced Marriage and Family therapy for over 20 years, spending every moment of every day together is a good predictor of marital failure.

Why would that be so?! There are situations when one or both people in a relationship expect to spend MORE time together once married, but the reality is that once they get in to their normal schedules again there is often less time spent together. It is important for couples to learn how to be happy on their own and to balance their time when they are together so that they can keep that balance and happiness once married and not be dependent on the other person for their happiness.

I would love to hear your thoughts on the subject, so let me know what you think in the comments below. :)

Have a fantastic week,

Kirie

"What Makes Someone Male or Female?"

In your opinion, what do you think makes someone male or female?

This topic has been a popular one among feminists, families, cultures, and other groups of people we know and are possibly involved in.

This week in our family relations we had an interesting discussion about scientific findings on the subject, many of which taught me things I hadn't known or thought of before.

We watched a video called "Men, Women, and the Sex Difference" by John Stossel that gave many perspectives on men and women and if they act different from birth or if they are influenced by our culture or society to become so different and to have different roles.

For example, in this video they talked about the different toys that children play with. The little girls more often then not will go play with dolls and house objects, pretending to be mothers and children. The video stated that girls tend to be more relational in their games while boys tend to be more spacial and rough. Boys often like building or playing video games because they can picture things in 3D.

Of course there are always exceptions to the rule. For example, I loved pocket knives and getting dirty as a child as well as playing with dolls. There will often be a little boy who prefers dolls and playing house over rough-housing. But often times, there are specific ways that little children play without being told to act that way.

Another study that was presented in the video was with young toddlers being unable to get to their mothers. There was a clear barrier between the child and the mom, sort of like a small, waist-high room for the toddler to play in. The mom would set the toddler down in the small room and then sit in a chair on the other side of the clear wall. What they found was that little boys would run at the glass and hit it, trying to knock down the barrier between them and their mother. Girls would simply stand  and start crying until their mother would come pick them up.

There was one toddler who did the opposite, but for the most part these little children reacted the same as others of their sex.

The video also includes research on the brain that is done while the baby is still in the womb, and I would encourage you to watch the video if you would like to learn more about it.

For me personally, I grew up in a family of 6 girls and 1 boy. Therefore, there was always a lot of estrogen and womanly ways of doing things. I never knew that men and women often think so differently until I moved away from home. I have learned more about the difference between men and women in the past year than I ever knew in my entire life. Knowing the differences in how we think has actually been extremely beneficial to me, especially while dating my boyfriend.

What he does makes so much more sense to me. Together we read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" and it has taught me to appreciate others more for their differences, rather than get upset that they don't think the same way as me.

I encourage you to look deeper into this topic and see how it might help you in your life too.

Whether you agree with the points in this topic or not, I know that learning and seeking to understand another's perspective is beneficial no matter what you believe.

Have a wonderful day my friend,

Until next time,

Kirie