Marriage and Remarriage

Homes today are more complex than they were 20 years ago. Homes these days can  consist of a

1. Mother and father
2. Step-parent
3. Single mom
4. Single dad
5. Foster and/or adopted child

and so many more! Some parents remarry several times or even remarry an ex.

A couple facts about children in the US:

1. Aprox. 40% of children are born outside of wedlock
2. Aprox. 60% of children in US will live with someone other than both parents at some point in their life.

Because there are so many different family units and structure's in today's world, many people ask how to manage the family that they have and all their differences.

The truth is, every family is so unique that although there are some great guidelines you can follow, there is no exact set of directions to follow.

My Family Relations professor said that he had a realization about the holiday "Pioneer Day," which is mostly celebrated in states like Utah and Idaho. This holiday is not only to look back and appreciate ancestors who came across the plains in such harsh conditions to create better lives, it is also a metaphor for us. We must be pioneers, willing to go to new territory and do what is hard. This also relates to breaking family trends, habits, or traditions. 

No-fault divorce was established in the 1970's starting in California. This meant that people could file for a divorce without having any of the 3 "A"s for divorce.

3 "A"s for divorce:
- Adultery
- Abuse
- Alcoholism (chemical abuse)
- Abandonment (in some cases)

This law made more opportunities for divorce but caused greater complications for who received custody of the children. 

With the 3 "A"s system, they could easily determine that whoever committed the adultery, abuse, or other would not receive child custody. 

What other challenges come with divorce besides deciding on custody? Well depending on the custody, there may be difficulties of communication between parents, emotional and mental challenges faced by the children, and so forth. 

According to the readings from our class, many people do not often heal from the end of the first marriage until one or the other moves on with a new partner. 

We learned that 2 years after divorce, 70% of Americans divorced think they should have fixed the marriages instead of ended them. 

We also learned that 2 years after marriage, 70% of men are remarried.

As my professor who has done marriage and family counseling for many years said in class, "You can get divorced but you can't get unmarried." Brother Williams

The wisdom I find in this is learning that although some people should definitely get a divorce our of their situation for various reasons, there are many times where couples can benefit by learning all that a divorce entails. The hardships, the positive outcomes, and so forth.

I know that if you are reading this and have been divorced, you may have some strong opinions on the subject of divorce. As I said in the beginning, every family is different! Every person has a different experience, and your experience was uniquely yours with its struggles and triumphs. 

Feel free to share your thoughts or experiences below, I'm curious to learn about how you dealt with those hard times.

If you would like to learn more about the subject, I recommend clicking here and reading from the different blogs listed. 

I would like to end with this poem on hardships in life. Because even though it doesn't say the word "family" in it, we know that with family comes great responsibility and difficult times:

Good Timber

by Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight

For sun and sky and air and light,

But stood out in the open plain

And always got its share of rain,

Never became a forest king

But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil

To gain and farm his patch of soil,

Who never had to win his share

Of sun and sky and light and air,

Never became a manly man

But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:

The stronger wind, the stronger trees;

The further sky, the greater length;

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,

We find the patriarchs of both.

And they hold counsel with the stars

Whose broken branches show the scars

Of many winds and much of strife.

This is the common law of life.

Until next time my friends.

Kirie

Top 5 Parenting Techniques

Refer to Cathi Gulli's article, "http://www.macleans.ca/society/the-collapse-of-parenting-why-its-time-for-parents-to-grow-up/" for more information on these points.

I have often hear people say that they wish there was a clear guide to parenting. It can be the most challenging experience that some people face in their lives. 

However, depending on the results you want personally from raising your children, here are some great tips that can help you in the difficult process.

1. Establish healthy boundaries and stick to them

According to Sax, there are ways that parents often step in to a role of consulting with children "about issues that symbolize nurturance like food, we put them in the lead.” 

He talks about how this will often bring out a natural survival response for them to be in the lead and therefore start taking an "alpha role," or in other words, bossing around the parent.

Children need to feel like they are being taken care of. My Family Relations teacher told us of an experience when he was a teenager of a boundary set between him and his parents that he broke. 

The rule was that he could drive and use the car, but he had to be back before midnight every night and let him parents know he was home. 

If he did not follow that rule, he would lose privileges to the car for a week and could not go on any dates at that time. One night, his friends took to long to get in the car and he was 30 minutes late past midnight coming home. 

He let his parents know he was there and went to bed. The next day, he was getting ready for a date he had and his dad kindly asked him where he was headed.

"I have a date tonight." His dad replied with something like, "Oh, actually you wont be able to have that date tonight. Remember when you got home past curfew? 

What is our rule for getting in past curfew?" Even with the attempt to sway his dad's rule, my teacher was unable to get out of the consequences and had to cancel his date that night.

However, the part that stood out to me the most in this story was the face that my teacher ended it with, "The interesting thing is that I felt like my dad was respecting me by enforcing that boundary. I felt like he was treating me like an adult."

How can simply enforcing one boundary help a child feel like an adult?

2. Teach them right from wrong

In Cathi Gulli's online article (referenced above), she said that, “Kids are not born knowing right from wrong,” says Sax, pointing to longitudinal studies showing that children who are left to discover right from wrong on their own are more likely to have negative outcomes in the future: 

“That child in their late 20s is much more likely to be anxious, depressed, less likely to be gainfully employed, less likely to be healthy, more likely to be addicted to drugs or alcohol. We now know this,” he says. “Parents who are authoritative have better outcomes, and it’s a larger effect than the effect of race, ethnicity, household income or IQ.”

3. Be the decider

Cathy Gulli also talks about Andrea Nair, a psychotherapist and parenting educator in London who says, it's hard for parents to learn “'[h]ow to respect their child but also be the decider' of the family." 

Gulli continues, "Part of the challenge lies in the fact that parents don’t want to fail—at nurturing and governing simultaneously—and they certainly don’t want their children to fail in their personal development, in school and at social networking." 

4. Don't hold your child to another child's standard

Most parents want to know the best way to raise them and help them be successful. Therefore, we often seek out other sources to learn from on what to say or do with our kids. 

However, it's important to remember that nobody knows exactly what to do as a parent and that there is a lot of trial and error.

 We can learn from other sources who have had success but it's important to remember that our children will be different from someone else's children and may need different kinds of support.

5. Forgive quickly

In the article, Gulli talks about Nair's book when she says "that parents must 'have a higher tolerance for things not going well.' 

How they recover from their own occasional mistake, outburst, loss of patience or bad call may say more to a child than how they are in happy times. 'We’re missing that opportunity, which is how learning works,' she says. 'That’s how we become more confident.'”

Until next week,

Kirie

Dual Income Households

How important is it to work together as a family?

Growing up, I remember having different responsibilities given to us kids to help around the house. We had job charts that we followed to help with cleaning the kitchen, living room, table, etc. I remember hating doing work around the house but I knew it was necessary to have the privileges I wanted. Privileges like seeing friends and watching movies.

I learned at a young age that if I did my jobs, I got what I wanted (for the most part). I also learned more than I realized from these jobs. When I moved out of the house, there were many necessary skills that I had been taught through helping my mom and dad that I never would have known if they didn't ever ask me to help.

I have memories of helping my mom cook in the kitchen, sewing with my grandma, building fences with my dad, and other smaller jobs around the house. Who knew that it's great to know how to cook, sew, and work with others on a difficult job? I wouldn't have known, unless I had done it.

This week in my Family Relations class we read "Family Work" By Kathleen Slaugh Bahr and Cheri A. Loveless (https://magazine.byu.edu/article/family-work/). I think the article did a good job of describing how events used to be in families compared to how they are now.

There was a lot more helping parents with cooking, preparing meals, and so forth. This was because of the time and effort it took to make things from scratch. There was also help needed on the farm and in the garden to get everything done in the day.

As industrialization began to take place, people began to move to the cities with a vision of factories and what the future might hold for them. However, the factories required lots of work and little pay. Families had less time with one another and more time working to pay for the home or food they needed, especially since they were no longer growing their food themselves.

Children were often sent to work in factories to help earn money but would often get injured using the machines and in some cases, killed. Laws began to go forth about child labor and what ages children were allowed to work.

The article continues that as time went on, there became more and more cases of both parents working two jobs to provide for the family.

A study we discussed in class took two parent's incomes and recorded detailed information of where the finances were going. After looking over all of the finances, they told the couple this;

With his income of $42,000 and her income of $22,000, they were averaging a total of $41,500 after paying for child care, travel costs, bills, etc. Not only was it costing them money to have dual incomes, it was taking both parents away from their children for more than 30 hours a week each.

The couple was shocked by the news and decided that it was best for them (in their situation) to have only one income.

Every person and family situation is different, and therefore this information can't be applied the same way with everyone. However, families who work together will often have greater happiness, success, and relationships in general. They often learn hard work, people skills, and that working will always be a part of life.

I am personally grateful for the work I learned to do with my family so that I can be successful in jobs, school, and the way I live. I'm not perfect, but I feel I have a good foundation to get me headed in the right direction.

What are your thoughts on families working together? How do you think it might benefit a family to work together more?

Until next time,

Kirie

93% Of All Communication Is Nonverbal

93% of all communication is nonverbal.

~ Professor Mehrabian

It's slightly hard to imagine that most of what we say is actually not being said. The thought of communicating so much without even trying to is extremely eye opening, and makes me wonder what I say when I'm not speaking. 

When I think about it though, I always have fun with my sisters because we seem to just "get" each other. We have similar senses of humor, similar gestures, facial expressions, etc. All of these things add up to make a great time when we are together. I would imagine it's because of our strong similarities in our nonverbal communication that helps us understand each other so well. 

If 93% of nonverbal communication really is nonverbal, it's no wonder why first dates and new relationships are so difficult! Imagine putting two COMPLETELY different people together and have them try to understand one another. What a challenge! 

Maybe this is why newlyweds can go through major adjustments within their first year of marriage. Because two people from different families are being brought together to communicate about everything but both were raised to communicate in very different ways. 

Arguments usually begin based on a misunderstanding. Misunderstandings most often happen through miscommunication. So therefore, the way to have less arguments is to improve your communication.

A story from a video we watched in preparation for my Family Relations class was about a couple who got married and began to argue about everything. They couldn't seem to agree on things financially and she wanted to start a family soon, bringing more stress to the arguments. The couple agreed to participate in a study where each had a professional therapist to teach them.

The therapists first listened to how the couple normally discussed and talked about money which included lots of blaming, accusing, and not letting the other finish talking. It sounded like a normal argument you would hear between two people, without being too heated. After listening to them trying to communicate their thoughts and feelings, the therapists decided to then take them in to separate rooms to discuss some ways of communicating. 

When they came back in to the same room again, the couple was ready to listen fully to the other person's point of view and then respond with clear, understandable statements about how they feel. It was amazing! The couple heard each other out and then gave their "I feel" statements, sharing clearly what they really felt. Things such as, "I feel sad that you want me to sell my horse because it is something that makes me so happy and brings me joy. It is part of my dream in life to own a horse" and "I thought your were being selfish because you were choosing to keep the hose, but now I know it's because it makes you happy. I am willing to keep it too, because it makes you happy and that is what I really want." 

The kind words defused the situation so fast that it almost seemed silly that they had been arguing for so long. In Proverbs 15:1 it says, "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger." By learning to communicate effectively, we can defuse difficult and contentious discussions. We can learn to communicate effectively with our words as well as with our body language and intonation. Even when we are silent, we are communicating something and it's probably not what we intended.

Comment below with some of your best/worst/funniest miscommunication stories! Have you ever texted the wrong person or been misunderstood over text? 

Until next time,

Kirie

Stress, Crisis, and the Brain

"You can't control all of the things that happen in your life, but you can control the way you respond to them." 

Lauer & Lauer, page 299

Not too long ago I realized that there is a reason we go through such hard times in life. If we did not have difficult things to go through, how could we progress or appreciate when things are good?

In the Book of Mormon it says, "For it must needs be, that there is an opposition in all things. If not so, ...righteousness could not be brought to pass, neither wickedness, neither holiness nor misery, neither good nor bad. Wherefore, all things must needs be a compound in one; wherefore, if it should be one body it must needs remain as dead, having no life neither death, nor corruption nor incorruption, happiness nor misery, neither sense nor insensibility"  (2 Nephi 2:11).

We will all go through hard times, and it has helped me to acknowledge that this is simply part of life. What makes a difference is how I react. It's okay to be sad, struggle, feel lonely, and hurt. It will pass, if you let it. :)

With going through extremely hard times, there are ways we tend to try and cope with those things. We read a chapter for class from our text book and included several different forms of coping.

My teacher from my Family Relations class brought up an interesting point about a coping saw. What is a coping saw? A coping saw is used to make minute, thoughtful adjustments that help adjust wood under pressure. 

That's what coping can be for us! Making small, thoughtful adjustments in our lives, relationships, or situations to help us adjust and improve under pressure. 

Common Coping patterns:

Denial - This method can be good temporarily to help ease in to thinking about the issue. Not very good in the long run though, since we need to be able to accept that there is an issue to be worked on or addressed. Once everyone can admit there's a problem, they can start working to fix it. 

Avoidance - This method can also be useful for a short amount of time but it's important to acknowledge the issue AND address it, similar to denial.

Scapegoating - This involves finding something or someone else to blame. This method is not useful at all and can actually make the situation worse. If you find someone else to blame for an issue, it can never fully get resolved.

Effective Coping strategies:

Affirm yours and your family's worth.

Balance self-concern with other-concern - care for yourself and others but avoid extremes of both.

Learn the art of re-framing - redefine the meaning of something. Many of the difficult times we have gone through or traumas we may have can be re written in our minds by redefining them and what happened.

Find and use available resources - Don't ever be afraid to find a support group. There will always be someone who struggles with something similar to what you're going through who might be able to help you heal.

However, some people struggle with mental illness which requires more than the steps listed above. Many people need professional help but don't want to be looked at as not being able to handle it themselves. I know from experience that it is important to receive professional help in our lives when we feel like nothing else seems to be working.

If you want to learn more about mental illness and how to treat those who struggle with it or what to do about it personally, I recommend this talk by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland called "Like a Broken Vessel" (https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2013/10/like-a-broken-vessel?lang=eng). You can watch his video or read it if you like, but it gives great insight to receiving help and strength.

I'll warn you ahead of time that he refers to the scriptures often. I don't know what god you worship, but either way I know you can find his talk helpful.

Until next week my friend.

Kirie

Fidelity in Marriage

This week in my Family Relations class we discussed marital fidelity in a way I never thought of before.

My boyfriend and I got engaged last Saturday (YAY!!!) and therefore I've been pondering on how to show greater fidelity and commitment as an engaged couple.

I have been dating many different people over the course of the last 3 years and every time I would date someone exclusively, new boundaries would arise. I would stop flirting with other guys, would not date other guys, and would try to spend more and more time with my new boyfriend. None of those relationships lasted though, and I would go back to the single and flirty phase!

Being engaged has introduced a whole new level of commitment and boundaries that I have never experienced. I have to keep reminding myself that I am choosing to be with one man, for the rest of my life (and after this life). I am not only putting him above any guy friend I have, but I am going to be forming a whole new family unit with him. Therefore, I not only need boundaries with my friends, but with my immediate family as well.

Kirie, what kind of boundaries are you talking about?

Well for example, when we discussed marital fidelity in class, we included emotional fidelity. This is a whole new level of fidelity, where not only am I choosing to not flirt with or seek after other men, but I am choosing to share my thoughts, feelings, and concerns with my new partner. I choose him to be the person that I work through hard things with. All strong relationships require the sharing of feelings, thoughts, concerns, and I would even add opinions.

Something amazing about my Fiancé is that he has helped create a safety net for us to talk about things. We really do communicate about anything we may be worried about or that we are unsure of. We have done this since the beginning of our relationship which is a huge reason I feel safe to be with him in the long run. I know our marriage will not be exempt from hard times, but being with someone I can communicate will definitely make it possible to get through those.

As I said before, when we share our feelings and time with someone we get closer to them and start to feel more attached to them. That is why there are certain boundaries that, if made, can help strengthen a marriage and keep it strong.

We watched a power point presentation for class that included the following:

Subtle Threats to Marital Fidelity:
1. Friends
2. Facebook
3. Family
4. Fighting

How do you think friends could be a threat to marriage fidelity? I wasn't sure I agreed with this at first, but as we discussed it and I have learned more I believe that it is important to distance oneself from guy friends (or if your a guy, girl friends) after marriage. Why? Because the best way to keep you husband as your #1 is to make him the #1 man in your life. You decide to what extent, but I believe this is an important principle.

I will not go into detail about each point from the power point (if you have thoughts feel free to comment below), but I also want to add that there should be boundaries with family.

Deciding to be married means your are becoming your own family unit as a couple (and probably with children later on). So that means having the ability to not lean on mom and dad if something goes wrong in the marriage, but learning to lean on each other as a couple. I think the support of a family is important. However, I think marriages can thrive and be even stronger if they learn to rely on each other through the hardest times.

I would love to hear your thoughts on how to show your fidelity in Marriage.

Have a wonderful week!

Kirie

"Don't apologize for wanting to be his one and only." (From Power Point in Family Relations 160 Class)

Engagement, Receptions and Wedding Planning

What was/is your dream proposal?

Most girls probably have a different idea of what this looks like for them. Some would love a quiet, private, romantic proposal while others would like a big, exciting, social proposal. Which are you?

Something that I am learning lately is that a lot of couples these days will discuss engagement and wedding before the proposal ever happens. What I learned in my Family Relations class the other day is that some people (and probably more in the past) have the mindset that they do not discuss the proposal before it happens.

This surprised me so much! I had to think over and over again why someone would NOT communicate a proposal or be confident in marrying each other before it happens. I don't have a source for this but I've heard that it will often take guys more time to have as high of a commitment level as the girls in a relationship leading to marriage. Therefore, when the man would come and propose having no official assurance of her saying yes, he was showing his level of commitment and desire in the relationship.

Personally I felt that it would take so much courage to make a move like that because he doesn't know if she will say yes or no! He is humbly kneeling and asking a question, submitting himself to whatever the answer may be. Now I think there are benefits to both cases:

Benefits to discussing the proposal beforehand:
1. He will not be publicly or privately rejected by the woman he loves
2. They are both sure of the commitment and can prepare and plan accordingly
3. She is not put on the spot to make a decision

Benefits to NOT discussing the proposal beforehand include:
1. The man is willing to take a chance on the relationship as well as show his commitment level
2. The girl is more surprised and (hopefully) excited about the proposal
3. The man gets to plan how to propose to her with less pressure

Now skipping in to after marriage, in class we discussed marital satisfaction and patterns that can affect it.

The birth of baby number 1 is usually the first downward slope in marital satisfaction. The slide down often increases after each child. Why do you think that is?

Well some of the reasons can include if the husband does not feel as close to the baby as the mother does. The mother has gone through a 9 month bonding process with the child and then often takes care of the child most. The dad can feel less attached or connected depending on how involved he was during the pregnancy, birth, and care of the child.

Something especially interesting that we discussed in class was about who should be there during the birth of the baby. There were several thoughts shared and what we learned is that it is common for the wife to want her mother there by her side to take care of her and comfort her through the process of the birth. However, this can often leave the husband feeling like he is not needed or wanted in the process (according to the conversation this morning). If the husband can be included and involved in the process of a birth and feel needed and wanted, the chances of marital satisfaction either increasing or staying where it is are higher than if he is excluded in all of these processes.

I don't have children yet, but I've always planned on my mom being there for the birth of my first child to help me in every way possible. She has done this for the births of 5 grandchildren with a 6th on the way.  I haven't decided exactly what I will do, but I'm definitely thinking about if I should have her there or just my husband! I want my relationship with my spouse to be second only to God and therefore prioritized above that of others as needed.

What are your thoughts?

Have a good week!

Kirie